As I look back on my life, I see the patterns. The emotion’s that make me feel trapped in my body. The obsessing over my weight loss and the insecurity that make me gain it back.

It’s as if a third party has taken over. I only notice the invasion when its too late. When I realize how much I weigh. Who’s this impostor I wonder?

As I look back on my weight, gains and loses, I see that they’re tied in with my emotion’s. Whenever something shakes me up I turn to food. It could be the smallest comment. The way someone said something, or a feeling I can’t seem to shake off. I eat whenever I am stressed. I eat whenever I am angry.

Growing up exercise was always a part of my life. But I’ve never considered myself a skinny girl. I never was.  In fact, nothing about me was. I have always been thick, had a swimmer’s body/booty and mouth to match!

I resented that for a while.

I’ve had boyfriends who loved this about me and boyfriends who hinted that I needed to loose a few pounds. I resented them, too.

It also should be said, that have a freakishly slow metabolism. No, I am not blaming that on the way I look. But, let’s hear it for sniffing food and gaining weight!

To paint you a clearer picture, I’ll tell you a little story. Once upon a time, I cooked a marinara and eggplant dish for my boyfriend. Unbeknownst, to me the red sauce had gone bad. Just three hours later he was sitting on the toilet. But, the storm didn’t hit me at three p.m. the very next day!

No matter what I eat I feel I am gaining weight.

I am now, in what I like to call the ‘loosing weigh portion’ of my life. I am here, again, watching my diet and exercise. Afraid to become too obsessive, but, getting freakishly close. I worked so hard to loose weight in the past that I am angry at myself. I think, if I look at this from a colder more detached perspective, I wouldn’t gain the weight back….

But I am emotional and my metabolism is slow. So, as one of my good friend’s says, on wards and upwards!

The real struggle will begin at the end of the destination. When I have to work to keep the weight off. As someone who has yo-yo’d her whole life I know its about a lifestyle change, not about the ebbs and flows.